How to Handle Loving a Married Man

How to Handle Loving a Married Man

You’ve been seeing a wonderful man.  You get butterflies every time you are together and you see having a future with him.  Only problem is that recently you learned he’s married.  What do you do?!

Loving someone who is married carries a lot of baggage and often works against your long-term happiness.  Sure, you enjoy the attention they give you when you are together.  But there is an ache in your heart every time they go back to their spouse.

How you got here

You may or may not have known when he first flirted with you that he was taken.  You seemed to have fallen instantly for his charms.  You loved the attention he showed you and the fun adventures you had on your dates togethers.

However, when you learned about his spouse, you may not have been able to easily discuss them.  Either you are in an okay gray space where your paramour mentions the martial troubles and failed attempts at therapy with an intention to divorce, or you are in an unhealthy situation where it seems like they dismiss your concerns and brush the subject aside.  Either way you must be careful with your actions and processing your feelings.

Why people enter relationships with a married partner

Sometimes, you just can’t tell off the bat they are married.  Often times people enjoy the thrill of the forbidden.  Also, people may feel that this person being married is sign they are capable of having a meaningful relationship.  It’s almost like they were vetted to be a quality lover!  Also, if you are someone who is afraid of commitment, having a relationship with a married person is a way of knowing there is an exit ramp should the need arise.

Who’s to blame?

Frequently society will call out the person to fell for the married individual.  They might label this person a home wrecker.  Others will try to see if this is a pattern for the married partner.  People can often stray from a marriage because things have become so stale, they don’t feel desired by their spouse.  A new external relationship can feel reinvigorating and like they are a whole new person with this other partner.  In turn, the other party may feel less pressure because when they are together its just them in a love cocoon.  There are no kids, household chores, budget discussion or family to host.  Plus, they might have the extra thrill of their married love being grateful for this time of adventure, rediscovery and respite.

Is There a Fairytale Ending?

If you want to make this love last you both need to have open dialogue.  You need to establish expectations and rules as soon as possible.  Your married love needs to be honest about the state of their marriage.  Is it open?  Is there any chance for reconciliation?  If kids are involved how will this relationship impact them?  For love to work, both parties must be willing and able to put in effort.  If your married paramour is unable or unwilling to discuss their marriage or your feelings surrounding this situation, you must be prepared to walk away.

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